A new day have come

The hardest part has just started...

I'lI see you at Tony's. I'm gonna clean them all...

Leon: Mathilda, since I met you, everything’s been different. So I… just need some time alone. And you need some time to grow up a little.
Mathilda: I’ve finished growing up, Leon. I just get older.
Leon: For me, it’s the opposite. I’m... old enough. I need time to grow up.

Just like a horse

Lately, I've been like a horse that its eye's were covered and a truculent horseman is lashing it with a whip and the poor horse has no choice but running, running and running. And I wish you could know the horseman…

You were wrong

I'm tired of thinking of future. Why am I doing this? Why am I so afraid of being regret after a true decision? Who've told that I have to be this worry about what I cannot do anything to change it?

This has been always my problem since my father told everybody that my son is someone else, he is a wise boy, he is more than his age, and he always knows how to do the right thing.

But, I'm not the son whose father believes in him. I'm not. I'm not the one who makes the best decisions. I'm not the one who lives in the real world. I'm not the one who I am. I'm just pretending to be a good guy. And this is the biggest failure. I hate it.

A good year!

This year didn't start well for me. The first months were awful. I wasted a lot of time and I was always sad during those months. These late months were great, though. I changed a lot, and I made a couple of good decisions.

But the funny point is that my life has started to speed. It is moving a little faster than I am! Changes are happening one after another and opportunities show themselves to me every day. And I don't know what to do. I have some problems with managing my time but I'd like this situation better.

Your day

I haven't forgotten. Well, I wanted to congratulate you but I couldn't. And I hope you understand me. And for your information, the hardest part is to choose a flower…

To be, or not to be. Who cares?!

To put our head through our busy life doesn't change any fact. We want or not, some things are real. And we can do nothing to them. Maybe we had better open our eyes and face the truth. Maybe the life is not supposed to be the way that we think it should be.

You can feel it in your heart but you can't have it. Some people would fight for that, some others not. No matter which side you are on. What matters is that you never could make it. It's sad. I know. But it is what it is. Just don't kill yourself. OK?

Changing

When I review my pass, my thoughts, I see that ten years ago I had no idea about what I am now. I used to think about my future but now after these 10 years I am a totally different person from who I was thinking that I will be.

So, I believe 10 years later, I will probably be a really different person from what I think now, and none of my imaginations about myself will become true. I know it is scary but this is what it is. The future could be better than I think now. Who knows?!

In the name of Poverty

There are a lot of places on the world that we've never heard about them or we just know their names. What do you know about "Chad"? Just a name? Or something more? It is almost never talked about countries like this.

Republic of Chad is one the landlocked countries located in center of Africa. It means that this country has no water-way to out of its borders. And just lands are used to trade and communicate with other countries.

Chad is a really ancient country. Its history started from 7th millennium BC. People of Chad are living in poverty. Most of them are still rancher and farmer, the same as people we have in our villages! They've being independent since less than half a century. Chad was one of the France's colonies before 1960.

Economic situation is managed badly in this country. Chad was rank by The United Nation's Human Development Index ranked as the 5th poorest country in the world.

Over 50% of Chadians are Muslim. Thank to variety of people and languages in Chad there are a lot of cultural points and developments in this country. A lot of kinds of local music are played between them and they have a national museum that is visited a lot by tourists every year.

Anyway, I think Chadian people are living in bad conditions and the worse thing is that their name isn't heard so much around the world in mass Medias.

Question

To be yourself...

or

to be what people expect you to be.

That is the question.

A strange feeling

Something is stuck in my gullet and made me breathe hard. It's been for couple of days. I don't know what it is exactly but I've felt crying for a lot of times since last morning but I haven't been able to cry yet.

I've walked a lot but nothing is changed. It is a strange and scary feeling. Maybe something bad is going to happen to me and I have no one to be with in this case. Everyone is busy and has his own occupations. Maybe it is because of fasting. I don't know. I just know that I don't want to experience the depression again.

To be myself!

There is something I really liked about Juan Antonio Gonzalo in Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008), and that is that he is really himself; He expresses his feeling about everyone he loves and everyone he doesn't. He doesn't need to pretend as someone else.

Vichy and Christina both are afraid of saying what that is happening inside them, especially Vicky. Juan doesn't care about what might happen if he shows his feeling though. So he is very relax and natural. He is happy when he seems happy and he seems blue if he has a problem.

I'm really interested in being like him. I've been trying to be myself lots of times, but I've never been succeed. And now it became so hard to stand it anymore. I think it is because that I have a lot of things to lose. So I'm trying to miss these things to be able to be like this.

Nightmare in the morning!

This morning was terribly awful. I ran out of the house. The street was empty. Nobody was around. I wasn't able to stop thinking. It was like I'm losing my faith, my thoughts. World was circling around my head. (I don't know if this sentence is English.)

Sometimes you just need a supportive friend, someone who holds you in her arms and says "It's OK. Everything will be all right". I needed you and you weren't available any more.

In a little moment I just decided to call you, but when I came back home, everything was almost under control. I was awake whole the night but I couldn’t sleep. This morning was like a nightmare and I wished you were with me. I've been needing to cry since many hours ago, but I can't.

Welcome

Dear new visitor!

This isn't a private blog. However, I haven't introduced it to all of my friends yet, because it is written in English, and also because my English isn't good enough.

So, I'd rather not let everybody knows about it. Anyway, this is the "change" you asked me to make done in this blog. So, welcome!

Audio books

I really like my busy days like today, when I come back home at night and I'm feeling tired. The best thing about these days is that I feel that my "today" is different from yesterday. It makes me alive. Sleeping is so sweat at these nights and "tomorrow" always will be shinier.

Today I searched a lot about audio book when I was at work. Thank to my friend Seyed Kamal, I got acquainted with this book and enjoyed it so much. When you listen to a book, it is something else, especially when a good speaker is reading the story for you.

Audio books are not very common in Iran yet. And also there aren't any regulations or copyright law to support who wants to publish any audio book. So, everybody'd rather not risk.

I don't know if it's true, but the author of this blog believes that there are 5 billion people in Iran, who can't read books, including blinds, old people, children or even who doesn't have enough time to read. Therefore, I wish this happen and I try to make this wish, real.

So close, so far

We are getting away from each other as fastest we can, and no one knows about that, which makes us can't talk about it...

Strange Reflection

Sometimes it is necessary to be alone. It makes us to be honest at least with ourselves and do not forget who we are. When I talk to myself it differs to when I appear in public, even in front of my friends.

It's kind of scary to look at the mirror and see what others don't see that. You are another person and maybe no one knows that. It means you are so alone and all of your friends are friend with someone who isn't you.

There were just a few people who know me, but we couldn't be with each other for a long time. Life stopped us at a point that every one of us had to leave his or her heart and move on... and we did it. We did it, but some parts of our lives got stuck in the past.

We are trying to forget about all those nice days and gradually we're finding ourselves so different from that time. Who knows? Maybe the other one feels alone too. Maybe there is someone else who feels bad when meets a strange face in the mirror.

Breaking News!

I've always wanted to be one of those people who say "I love my job" when a reporter asks them: "How's your job?"

After around three months that I was studying and searching about creating a media company, finally I designed a structure to start working with some of my friends.

All of us are interested in media and every one of us has a lot of dreams and wants to make them real. We've been friends for more than three years, and now we know everyone of us and his interests and abilities very well.

I was the one who is more interested in thinking and creating new things than to manage projects or making products. So, guess what? I became R&D executive.

You know, these days that I'm working in my place, I feel alive again and now "I love my job" and I think that I am exactly where I have to be. Isn't that great?

I'm afraid

I was sure, but now... you know...

Game Over

The game always starts, exactly when you think that everything is over! And I just tell myself: Be a man!

Everything

I felt it again tonight, when I was at south terminal of Tehran. I went there again!

I watched "About Elly" at Markazi Cinema and it was good, but the problem is that I can't stand cinemas anymore. I didn't know that, until I sat down and the movie started.

Today was a rough day for me, because I'd planned for my trip to Tehran as like as past. When I came back, I realized that I couldn't plan for it like before. Everything was hurting me today; cinema, movie, streets, taxis... Everything! Do you know what does "Everything" mean?

Feeling safe

Here, in Qum we don't have a starry sky at nights; neither do the most of people who live in cities. However I very like to watch the Qum's sky at nights.

And there is a snug square that is called Mofatteh Square. I almost always go there when I go walking. I have a bench there that I lounge on it and watch the sky.

When I lay down on my bench, I feel that I'm soaring and flying so high. Even I can see the earth from the outside.

All of these thoughts come in my mind and I start to compare myself to the earth and then I feel very small. Actually it isn't bad, because when I feel small, I feel safe like when I was a kid and my mom hugged me.

The daytime sky is very different. Maybe because you have to be alone with the sky to be able to watch it well and listen to it. I really like that deep breath when I want to come back home before the sunrise.

Kind of living together

Since about 5 years ago I live far from my hometown, Isfahan. I don't really miss my hometown but being separated from parents is somehow tough for me.

In fact I'm worry about my parents more than about myself. I'm almost sure that parents are dependent on their children more than the way that children are dependent on their parents.

I purchased an internet account for my parents, a couple of month ago, when I was there on a vacation. I taught my mother to use Gmail chat and she became able to chat me lots of time a day.

You know, I'm almost online when I am at work or I'm in home, so is my mother in home. She turns her computer on when she wakes up in the morning and while she is doing her houseworks, she talks to me and we chatting in our little free times.

Sometimes she talks to me about what she is cooking or the book she is studying and I tell her about my job or my friends or some new project that I'm on it these days. My father sometimes joins us too. We feel live together this way.

When we are sorry...

When we say "I'm sorry", it doesn't mean that we are worthy to be forgiven. It just means that we are regretful and we know that we did a mistake. To say "I'm sorry" does not change anything.

Rain Café

I and my friends go to a café on Wednesdays every week, from around 2 years ago. All of these friends are emigrant here in Qum because all of them are college student or clergyman; except two of them who came here many years ago when they were kids. In fact, their fathers were emigrant too.

Most of us have no relatives here. There for, we need each other so much. This weekly meeting is right for this. When we sat this meeting up, we promised each other to keep it continue, even if we don't work together any more.

We are partners in work, and some of us study in same college but after these years we matched together and we made a strong group. This friendship has a new meaning, more than a roommate or coworker or something like this.

When I imagine the first day I came to Qum and I was so feeling alone, I see how I owe my friends for feeling alive and being happy today. Thank God!

Unlock your imagination

I usually watch good movies at least twice. Once to follow the movie line and let the director affect me as an audience, and another once to watch the details and take pleasure of beauties.

Last night I watched Finding Neverland (2004) again. The plot of the movie is the story of J.M. Barrie's friendship with a family who inspired him to create Peter Pan.

I realized that I liked this movie because I learned a lot of things by meeting Sir James Matthew Barrie (Johnny Depp). He is a real kind man and has a lot of good behaviors. For example, he never lies to children and he is always honest with them. This manner was so lovely to me (maybe) because I feel like kids sometimes.

There is something else in this movie that was interesting to me. The atmosphere of the movie is very English. Culture of England in the age of this story has been always influenced me.

Anyway, this is one my favorite dialogs in this movie:

Wendy: You know fairies, Peter?
Peter: Yes. But they're nearly all dead now. You see, Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born, its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be one fairy for every boy and girl.
Wendy: Ought to be? Isn't there?
Peter: Oh, no. Children know such a lot now. Soon, they don't believe in fairies. And every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies", there's a fairy somewhere that falls down dead.

Who am I?

Days weeks and months come and go and I still stay on a dead second in a clock with an empty battery. After that second I've not changed. Every morning is just like yesterday. Streets, shops, people, the city…

Stranger

People are different when you watch them from the outside...

Piece of heaven

Again, I really need to travel and I'm alone. I know that a lot of people don't like this kind of trip but sometimes I need it so much. I need to be silent for some days and nobody force me to talk.

I miss Javaherdeh. It's a nice little village in the heights of Ramsar. It's just above the clouds! I've been there many times, with many people but, this time I like to be there alone, to have enough time to think, to mix my confused mind, to breathe in clean air. Maybe I want a free time to "not" think about anything.

You know, I'm tired, very tired of talking, explaining, and caring about anything. The best thing in Javaherdeh is that I don't know anyone there.

Being with strangers is lovely when you have some feeling like this. Strangers don't ask you any question, don't bothering you, and even don't care about you. Beside that they give you their smile without any outlook. That's great! Isn't it?

What does tomorrow mean?

Well, I watched "Groundhog day" the movie again with one of my friends, and I felt that I have some more words to say about it.

As you know, if you've been watched it, our story's man (Phil) loves a lady who called "Rita". She is real cute lady but, she thinks that Phil is a jerk. In fact, she is right. Phil isn't a perfect guy.

When that happening happened, Phil tried to indulge her in everything and he made some kind of success because after this long time, Phil knew all the things about her, all of his desires, hopes, favorites and everything. However, that didn't work too. He realized that something else should be changed: "Himself".

In all of these boring days (yesterday), there was no tomorrow. because Phil was the same Phil. In fact, the only one who could make "today" "tomorrow" was himself. Not the time.

If we changed, tomorrow is tomorrow but if not, there is no tomorrow in our lives and we live in a boring yesterday for ever. This movie made me remember a saying that says: "The man is prejudiced if his today would be the same as his yesterday."

Groundhog day

It's not important that why is it happen. Even who cares about that is it possible or not? But what would you do if this happened to you?

You just wake up in a morning and after a while you find out that yesterday is repeating and you are in one of worse days in your life. You are in a awful terrible place that you hate it and you want to run away from there.

You just try to go out of there but, you can't and everyone says that you should wait until tomorrow. You are coming to a hotel and going to sleep, hoping for a better tomorrow but, when you wake up again at 6 o'clock, you see this is yesterday again and you remember everything you did in it, and you know everything that will be happen today…

I watched this movie tonight and I loved it. It has a good score in IMDB and it deserves it.

Todays

Sometimes I don’t know the face looking at me from the mirror. Five years ago everything was so simple and life was common. I was working, studying, having fun, enjoying my friends but, these days none of these words, has meaning.

Every night I'm thinking about tomorrow but, when tomorrow comes, I'll call it "today" again and I'll wait for next tomorrow and this boring circle will never end, never.

Lie / Law

God! I hate these days! I'm losing my friends one after another. Everybody says everything he want and doesn't care about its rightness. Though, when I look clear, I see myself doing like others.

I just want to sleep and let the time resolve all of these problems. The worse thing is that I have an important exam the day after tomorrow and I've studied nothing yet!

Crash

In all of these, nothing can drop me down but, feeling alone…

I like to be myself

Do you remember that good feeling I told you the other day? It's gone! I had a rough day today. It's better to say that I had a rough life these days. There is nothing to make you happy. All I see in the internet, in streets, in Medias, make me sorry about my country.

Some people came into streets and hit their brothers and sisters for nothing. They don't know who makes them do these. You know, our parents made a revolution 30 years ago but, that was different.

There was a man, a real man, who was one of us. He leaded the protest, he made the people believe themselves and take the control of their lives. There was nobody leading us out of Iran. That was us.

Today is different. A lot of governments are expecting to take this power down after many years. They can't stand us growing up and being ourselves.

It is not difficult to understand that who takes advantage of this change. I don't like BBC as a leader of revolution. I don't like to follow American government to make "my" country. I like to be myself.

Today

I don't know why, but, after a long time, i feel better today...

Living without secrets

Secrets have a lot of meanings. Sometimes we want secrets to tell them to someone, to have someone who knows our secret. But those are not real secrets. The real secret never comes out from two lips. In fact if you talk someone about your secret, that isn't secret anymore.

I have some secrets those I know they will be hidden in my heart until I die. These secrets are so heavy and I should be so strong to be quiet and not let anyone to know them. Of course I'm sure that I'm not alone and other people have a lot of secrets like mine. Life is too hard. You know?

Translator

The most important subject in my mind these days is being a "man". I'm trying to know my duties. In fact I see my duties most emphasized than my rights.

And exactly this is the question. I mean that most of my friends are not like this. They always tell me that my inordinate sensitivity will inconveniences me.

I tried to leave this mentality frequently but always something happened and made me think again. You know, there are two kinds of people; One who always uses other people to achieve his goals, and another one who always worries about his duties into others.

Well, most of my friends are in the first group. And I'm most near to second one. But maybe I'm not right and I should go to other side.

One day I was talking with some of my friends about these subjects and finally we found out that there is a "translator" between men and women that enforces them to lie sometimes.

Imagine that you are going back from work in evening and your wife had enjoined you to buy something from drugstore for her. Unfortunately you forget her order and you just remember when you see your wife's face asking you: "Did you buy the drug?" 

Men from the first group, which I mentioned above, usually lie in this case and fix the problem so easy. For example they say: "Drugstore was closed honey. I'll buy it tomorrow." because if they say "I forgot", that sentence automatically will be translated to "Honey! You are not that important to me, and sometimes I'm not thinking to you!"

But men from second group are not good lairs. If they face some problem like this, they confuse and start to apologize because of their mistake and go through aftermaths.

What do you do in this situation? Which group are you in?

Someone

I was talking about "someone" and I'd meant exactly "someone". He also was talking about "someone", but maybe he himself was that "someone". I was afraid and worried about him…

One-way road

Maybe you don't know what does mean that decision but when you wake up in the morning and see you're stuck in a one-way road, you have no choice.

Every day I tell myself: "This is a temporary world and there is no matter if you lose it" but honestly sometimes I'm not sure about my life after death. Even if there is a heaven, who can say that I will be there?

Last night I watched "Changeling" with my friends. In one of scenes a murderer on gallows, started to cry. The man who was heartless and easily killing kids, when faced to death, scared and started begging everyone to save his life.

Although thinking to death always makes me calm and gives me ability to continue my life and wish to finish it well. In fact I think our life is a hard try to understand death.

Change

The life bacame hard these days. I don't know. Maybe I've changed. 

The life

I like some nights like this night that I can laugh for nothing and be happy for some little things. Light music… dark tea… smell of rain from the window… you're reading your favorite blog and smoking cigarette… and these are enough! The life is just this.

Look from outside

I hate to be like some people who think that they are different with others while they are just a "type" and there are a lot of people like them. Unfortunately many times I thought like this and after some days understood the reality.

Usually I find this when I come out from the situation and look again at myself from outside. Everything is different when you watch yourself from another point of view. In these cases I wish to leave myself and be someone else but it’s always impossible!

Today is one those days!

Females!

One day I was admired myself, because I was - wrongly - thinking: "I know girls!" But day by day I lost my sureness about this opinion.

Now I believe that I don't know girls at all. They are so unknown to me and their behaviors are not expectable!

For example, they like you exactly when you think that they hate you and they hate you just at the time you think that they fallen in love with you! I'm so confused!

The photo is from here!

Always Revolution

Every four year, we have presidency election in Iran. Every candidate chooses a motto for himself and says it in his speeches.

These mottos are good scales to find out the situation of people's livelihood in a country. When most of candidates always talk about "changing", it means that people are not in a good condition; because they reaction these mottoes and they think someone should come and make a new revolution.

The same situation is streaming in U.S.A and because of that, people voted to President Obama who was saying: "Change can happen" and he won.

This can happen and sometimes it's great, but it's not good always. A society sometimes needs a revolution but if a 30 years old society could answer these promises, elites should be worry.

10th presidency election of Iran is coming and now plans of candidates are more important than mottoes, and it makes me happy. Islamic revolution of Iran now is grown up country and starting the 4th decade of its life.

Like a Wall

Sometimes when I watch my behavior in past, I feel stupid. I was honest and very stupid. I'd shouldn't tell you anything that was in my heart. Men always do like this and I don't want to act like women anymore. So I'll be silent after this and you'll never find any different between me and wall!

Plant of Leon

There are some movies I haven't only watched them; I've lived with them. One of them is "Leon". I've watched it many times and every time, decoded some new things in this movie.

I see character of Leon as a symbol. He is not only a person. He is a human with some properties. His personalities could be find easily in his plant that he call it "his best friend". Leon's plant is so similiar with him: "It has no questions, has no roots..." exactly the same as Leon.

And when Mathilda came to his life, everything changed. At first, Leon tried to trow Mathilda out of his life, but he couldn't. In fact, Mathilda changed his life for ever. In one of the last scenes, when the polices attacked their room, Leon said to Mathilda: "You'll never be alone Mathilda". 

In this scene Leon seems so different, because he has a new life, because he has root, because he sleeps on bed. 

Anyway Leon died, but his beliefe will never die. Mathilda is the keeper of Leon's beliefe and will save it from destruction. Now Mathilda is 12 years old and living in a school out of the town and growing up, but after some years Mathilda will return as a young lady and Leon's plant will be a grown up and strong plant too. So we are waiting...

Prison Break!

I have an important test this Friday and still have alot to study! I started studing source books around two months ago and I didn't anything fun during these two months. 

Four day later from now, I will be free and have alot of plans to take pleasure of my freedom! First of all I will start to watch "Friends" again from the begining. Also I have many movies to see and many musics to listen. 

My mother called today and asked me to go home. She said my sister will return from Iraq on Friday or Saturday. I can't wait to meet her and her little children. Wish me a good test on Friday!

Roomate

You don't know what does it mean that you have a roomate who has alot of secrets and many unknown calls everyday and never tell you anything about them, although he likes you and believes himself as your best friend.

you'll never can protest him and request him to share anything to you and this is in a case that you recount every little event in your daily life for him; because you don't have anyone except him.

sometimes you lose your tolerance and become mean to him, but when you think about your request, see your self selfish and he is right. But it's still hard to live like this.