Saṃsāra

After a long time trying to conquer the peak, to find a point that you can see everywhere from, you find yourself got nothing. You've just climbed a little hill. And there are a lot of endless mountains that you could never pass. And… you are on your own. No one wants to be with you any more…

Strong willing

Well, I was reviewing the book Summit 1A to be ready for the final exam. Actually I think I haven't passed this book well enough. Actually I had some problems and I wasn't in a good sort of studying, so I missed a lot of things. But now I really want to compensate this term.

A new day have come

The hardest part has just started...

I'lI see you at Tony's. I'm gonna clean them all...

Leon: Mathilda, since I met you, everything’s been different. So I… just need some time alone. And you need some time to grow up a little.
Mathilda: I’ve finished growing up, Leon. I just get older.
Leon: For me, it’s the opposite. I’m... old enough. I need time to grow up.

Just like a horse

Lately, I've been like a horse that its eye's were covered and a truculent horseman is lashing it with a whip and the poor horse has no choice but running, running and running. And I wish you could know the horseman…

You were wrong

I'm tired of thinking of future. Why am I doing this? Why am I so afraid of being regret after a true decision? Who've told that I have to be this worry about what I cannot do anything to change it?

This has been always my problem since my father told everybody that my son is someone else, he is a wise boy, he is more than his age, and he always knows how to do the right thing.

But, I'm not the son whose father believes in him. I'm not. I'm not the one who makes the best decisions. I'm not the one who lives in the real world. I'm not the one who I am. I'm just pretending to be a good guy. And this is the biggest failure. I hate it.

A good year!

This year didn't start well for me. The first months were awful. I wasted a lot of time and I was always sad during those months. These late months were great, though. I changed a lot, and I made a couple of good decisions.

But the funny point is that my life has started to speed. It is moving a little faster than I am! Changes are happening one after another and opportunities show themselves to me every day. And I don't know what to do. I have some problems with managing my time but I'd like this situation better.

Your day

I haven't forgotten. Well, I wanted to congratulate you but I couldn't. And I hope you understand me. And for your information, the hardest part is to choose a flower…

To be, or not to be. Who cares?!

To put our head through our busy life doesn't change any fact. We want or not, some things are real. And we can do nothing to them. Maybe we had better open our eyes and face the truth. Maybe the life is not supposed to be the way that we think it should be.

You can feel it in your heart but you can't have it. Some people would fight for that, some others not. No matter which side you are on. What matters is that you never could make it. It's sad. I know. But it is what it is. Just don't kill yourself. OK?

Changing

When I review my pass, my thoughts, I see that ten years ago I had no idea about what I am now. I used to think about my future but now after these 10 years I am a totally different person from who I was thinking that I will be.

So, I believe 10 years later, I will probably be a really different person from what I think now, and none of my imaginations about myself will become true. I know it is scary but this is what it is. The future could be better than I think now. Who knows?!

In the name of Poverty

There are a lot of places on the world that we've never heard about them or we just know their names. What do you know about "Chad"? Just a name? Or something more? It is almost never talked about countries like this.

Republic of Chad is one the landlocked countries located in center of Africa. It means that this country has no water-way to out of its borders. And just lands are used to trade and communicate with other countries.

Chad is a really ancient country. Its history started from 7th millennium BC. People of Chad are living in poverty. Most of them are still rancher and farmer, the same as people we have in our villages! They've being independent since less than half a century. Chad was one of the France's colonies before 1960.

Economic situation is managed badly in this country. Chad was rank by The United Nation's Human Development Index ranked as the 5th poorest country in the world.

Over 50% of Chadians are Muslim. Thank to variety of people and languages in Chad there are a lot of cultural points and developments in this country. A lot of kinds of local music are played between them and they have a national museum that is visited a lot by tourists every year.

Anyway, I think Chadian people are living in bad conditions and the worse thing is that their name isn't heard so much around the world in mass Medias.

Question

To be yourself...

or

to be what people expect you to be.

That is the question.

A strange feeling

Something is stuck in my gullet and made me breathe hard. It's been for couple of days. I don't know what it is exactly but I've felt crying for a lot of times since last morning but I haven't been able to cry yet.

I've walked a lot but nothing is changed. It is a strange and scary feeling. Maybe something bad is going to happen to me and I have no one to be with in this case. Everyone is busy and has his own occupations. Maybe it is because of fasting. I don't know. I just know that I don't want to experience the depression again.

To be myself!

There is something I really liked about Juan Antonio Gonzalo in Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008), and that is that he is really himself; He expresses his feeling about everyone he loves and everyone he doesn't. He doesn't need to pretend as someone else.

Vichy and Christina both are afraid of saying what that is happening inside them, especially Vicky. Juan doesn't care about what might happen if he shows his feeling though. So he is very relax and natural. He is happy when he seems happy and he seems blue if he has a problem.

I'm really interested in being like him. I've been trying to be myself lots of times, but I've never been succeed. And now it became so hard to stand it anymore. I think it is because that I have a lot of things to lose. So I'm trying to miss these things to be able to be like this.

Nightmare in the morning!

This morning was terribly awful. I ran out of the house. The street was empty. Nobody was around. I wasn't able to stop thinking. It was like I'm losing my faith, my thoughts. World was circling around my head. (I don't know if this sentence is English.)

Sometimes you just need a supportive friend, someone who holds you in her arms and says "It's OK. Everything will be all right". I needed you and you weren't available any more.

In a little moment I just decided to call you, but when I came back home, everything was almost under control. I was awake whole the night but I couldn’t sleep. This morning was like a nightmare and I wished you were with me. I've been needing to cry since many hours ago, but I can't.

Welcome

Dear new visitor!

This isn't a private blog. However, I haven't introduced it to all of my friends yet, because it is written in English, and also because my English isn't good enough.

So, I'd rather not let everybody knows about it. Anyway, this is the "change" you asked me to make done in this blog. So, welcome!

Audio books

I really like my busy days like today, when I come back home at night and I'm feeling tired. The best thing about these days is that I feel that my "today" is different from yesterday. It makes me alive. Sleeping is so sweat at these nights and "tomorrow" always will be shinier.

Today I searched a lot about audio book when I was at work. Thank to my friend Seyed Kamal, I got acquainted with this book and enjoyed it so much. When you listen to a book, it is something else, especially when a good speaker is reading the story for you.

Audio books are not very common in Iran yet. And also there aren't any regulations or copyright law to support who wants to publish any audio book. So, everybody'd rather not risk.

I don't know if it's true, but the author of this blog believes that there are 5 billion people in Iran, who can't read books, including blinds, old people, children or even who doesn't have enough time to read. Therefore, I wish this happen and I try to make this wish, real.

So close, so far

We are getting away from each other as fastest we can, and no one knows about that, which makes us can't talk about it...

Strange Reflection

Sometimes it is necessary to be alone. It makes us to be honest at least with ourselves and do not forget who we are. When I talk to myself it differs to when I appear in public, even in front of my friends.

It's kind of scary to look at the mirror and see what others don't see that. You are another person and maybe no one knows that. It means you are so alone and all of your friends are friend with someone who isn't you.

There were just a few people who know me, but we couldn't be with each other for a long time. Life stopped us at a point that every one of us had to leave his or her heart and move on... and we did it. We did it, but some parts of our lives got stuck in the past.

We are trying to forget about all those nice days and gradually we're finding ourselves so different from that time. Who knows? Maybe the other one feels alone too. Maybe there is someone else who feels bad when meets a strange face in the mirror.

Breaking News!

I've always wanted to be one of those people who say "I love my job" when a reporter asks them: "How's your job?"

After around three months that I was studying and searching about creating a media company, finally I designed a structure to start working with some of my friends.

All of us are interested in media and every one of us has a lot of dreams and wants to make them real. We've been friends for more than three years, and now we know everyone of us and his interests and abilities very well.

I was the one who is more interested in thinking and creating new things than to manage projects or making products. So, guess what? I became R&D executive.

You know, these days that I'm working in my place, I feel alive again and now "I love my job" and I think that I am exactly where I have to be. Isn't that great?